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Saturday, May 5, 2007

May 5,

every saturday I have the same activity.. choir practice,computer(a little) then my one-on-one practice of voice with my "alaga" haha.. we had a deal(me and my alagas) the we will have a practice "solo" after they eat their lunches.. I'll be pointing out songs for them to sing in front of me and when they sang 3 songs perfectly they can use my keyboard(mini piano)..and we always do that every saturday.. it's fun cause we have time to focus on their own voices..there are so many choir members that's why not all of us are being trained that much..so I decided to help..since I know how to play the piano,I teach my fellow coir members(young members) to use the falceto voice...haha and my every saturday is so tiring .. at least it has a meaning :D

what we could have been, 4:31 PM.

May 2

I just got home yesterday..but when I got home nobody's home (avril's song ) haha...at least I'm back...so much from a sleep over over (2 nights kasi eh ) rawr!! mwuah! gotta jet.. be back later to tell more...!

what we could have been, 4:31 PM.

May 1,
haha I'm still here inmarikina with my friend GENEC.. haha I'm here in ROCK ISLAND a computer shop in BLUE WAVE MALL near her house.. we're because one event just got finished.. (the bible quiz and general info) haha..
and it's really a good game because we won on both game.... and this a an ANOTHER YEHEY DAY because my mom and dad allowed me to stay for one more night... yahoo... more lakwatsa with my old pal!! well,tatah.. need to go!! this so much for today..

maybe be back later or tomorrow.. :)

what we could have been, 4:30 PM.

april 30...

I'm in a computer shop today with my old pal GENEC haha we're together this day and this time of the day because I'll be sleeping over in her house cool huh?!? well,tatah!! (bye) gotta go because,I'm almost time mwuah!!

what we could have been, 4:30 PM.

April 24,
harhar!hate this day!cause' we don't have any classes to teach
I miss my little students!..
well,it not that bad though...my cousins went here(my home)they came here because their grandpapa is sick..and they might get sick too..haha I acted like a baby sitter now lolz..but I don't get paid..rawr!my other came too and my neighbor haha..see that?!? told you I was acting like a baby sitter today!hah but it was fun,we layed ZUMA here in our computer aand played the GAMEBOY ADVANCED with kim possible,princess natasha,rugrats,block party(cartoon network),and barbie's pet shop haha I didn't acted a baby sitter anymore..I acted as a baby too haha ..well,we still don't have any classes tomorrow.. and this summer stinks!

what we could have been, 4:29 PM.

April 23,


heller!! ano ba akala mu skn??tulay na tinatapakan na pagtawid sa kabilang ibayo wala ng silbi??ang kapal mu!! h8 u!sino ka ba?so 22o lang dapat hindi kita tinutulungan eh..dapat sarili mong diskarte yan eh!sino bang nanliligaw?ako o ikaw?heller!gumising ka sa katotohanan!wag kang matulog sa pansitan!hindi mo ba ramdam na na naiinis din xa sau??lahat kaya kong ibunyag! ngayon kilala mo na ako,di ba sabi koh naman sayo WAR FREAX akoh?!? kaya kita..wag mo kong subukan!dahil ayaw mong matikman ang LUPIT koh! oo mabait akoh yun yon kapag mabait kah rin sa akin..pero kung tatalikuran mo ako pagkatapos ng lahat ng ginawa kohng kabutihan sau! pwes..magkamatayan nah!hindi kita uurungan..masaya na tau kanina..nagkakaintindihan tau,dumating lang siya naging TANGA kah nah! ano bang problema moh?!?hindi ka niya alipin okay?!?kaya wag kang magpakatanga sa kanya! tao ka rin may sariling buhay...wag mong hayaang agawin lang ng kung sino ang kalayaan mo!!!meron kang karapatan hindi ka naman timang na hindi dapat pansinin at hindi pakielaman okay?!? sana magetz mo sinasabi koh!sorry kung medyo TAMAAN kah or anything! pero sinasabi koh lang ang nararamdaman ko..AYAW KO KASING MAMATAY NG HINDI SINASABI ANG MGA HINANANKIT KOH!..

yan lang naman ang masasabi koh sa iyo pare! TORPE kah!kala ko pa naman prends tau..bigla na lang nawala dumating lang xa kanina! LECHE KAH! mamatay kah nah! wala kang kwentang kaibigan!pagkatapos kang tulungan at itawid sa kabilang mundo,iiwanan mo na ako na parang basahan na wala ng silbi!!


what we could have been, 4:28 PM.

Kahapon ang huling pagkikita namin ng aking mga estudyante sa liggong ito..medyo nalungkot ako,dahil ang kahapon ay ang isang sa mga pinaka masaya kong araw..nung April 19,2007 17 pa lamang ang aking mga estudyante at kahapon ay bigla itong nadagdagan ng 6.nakilala ko ang iba sa kanila..3 babae ang kanilang mga pangalan ay Kaila,Giselle at Aubrey..napaka gaganda nila at mukhang mga manika...haha cute na cute akoh sa kanila..grabeh ang sarap nilang kausap at ang sarap makipaglaro sa kanila..nung oras na ng uwian ako ay medyo nalungkot dahil hindi koh na sila makikitang uli..nalipat sila sa klase ng panghapon...ang tanging masasabi ko lang sa kanila ay sana lumaki silang masunuring mga bata..at sana hindi nila ako makalimutan

what we could have been, 4:28 PM.

haha wala akong mapagkaabalahan ngayong summer..then ate analyn invited me to help in teaching and guiding little kids in our church program SKP(Summer Kindergarten Program).
It was my second day today.. and this day was really tiring..but all of our hardworks have good effect.Teaching is really hard.. especially teaching kids with the age of 4-6..kasi kids between those ages are so makulit.. they are trying to learn things pa lang and all the things in their mind are playing.. haha.. nawawala din ang pagod naming mga nagtuturo ..kasi ang cute ng mga bata.. and ang saya kung makikita mo nah natututo naman sila.. tomorrow is another day for me to teach "again" haha.. well wish me luck!

what we could have been, 4:27 PM.

I am a moderator of a message board.. the Total Girl Board...I thought being a moderator was easy and really fun..but now that I am one.. now I know what are the feelings a moderator has.. full of board problems,member's problems,full of warnings to members.. lots and lots of cleaning.. it was really hard! being a moderator is too much work than I thought.. but still I don't regret it that I am a moderator and take note not just a moderator but a SENIOR MODERATOR!!! behind those message of warnings,message of locking the topic,message of saying to stop doing that etc. are caring and really hard working moderators.. we're not trying to kill the joy and the fun.. we are just trying to make things clear,clean and kid-friendly..moderators just care about board members..please try to uderstand us.. we are trying to do our jobs.. and doing our jobs is soo hard! sometimes it seems like we are getting mad at you.. actually we're not.. we are just so tired of getting same feedbacks from you guys! we always warn pasaway members but still you give us same feedbacks.. and because of that we can't control of our feelings and get annoyed and tired of telling again and again what's not to do ...we are so sorry if those messages hurted your feelings.. we don't mean it that way.. we are just so tired of facing a problem again and again... just remember that "WE ARE DOING ALL OF THIS BECAUSE WE CARE AND LOVE YOU" haha and here is a saying of my fellow craazzy SENIOR MODERATOR .. boom!! "WE SCARE BECAUSE WE CARE".hope you understand our situation!

what we could have been, 4:26 PM.

I found someone to replace my OLD PLASTIC friends! cool! and I just found them in the net.. haha! they are my TG sisters and Teentalk family..! they are so sweet..funny,cute (haha ),pasaway,addicts haha and everything you'll wish for for a friend!.. they are so cool! we really enjoy our bonding in the internet I wish we could have some real bonding moments.. but we are planning to have a mini bnding in GATEWAY CUBAO.. and it is such a good place because it is just walking distance from our home.. I just love talking and having fun with them!! I will never forget them ! I swear!...

what we could have been, 4:25 PM.


haha!! I had my summer vacation yesterday.. it was a BLAST!! we had it on Antipolo City.. in the Loreland Farm Resort.. we (Actually I) swam the whole day I just stopped when we ate our lunches.. my color now is brown I'm as brown as a bark of a tree.. wahaha!! I really had fun!haha! I hate my swimsuit! T_T arrggh!! but I really had fun! it was really a tiring day.. when we got back home I went straight to bed to have my sleep! I didn't eat my dinner but my sleep was really relaxing..(maybe it's because I was really tired because of swimming the whole day!)

what we could have been, 4:21 PM.

hayz...
I'm so bored these days! can't think of anything to do!
my sport training will start this coming week!! waah!!
this summer is really a Failure!
I don't enjoy summer this year that much!!
no swimming much..no out of towns..
I'm stuck in my computer! because of my JOB!
and this summer is realy hot!! I hate too much heat!!
it burns my skin.. I want to be soaked in the ocean..
but we won't be going to a beach.. we're still planning our outing!!
arrgggh!!
but it's good to leave in cubao!
the malls are just walking distance! yey' I always go to gateway just to refresh myself!!

any suggestion of what else can I do this summer??

what we could have been, 4:20 PM.

Friends are the persons that gives us hapiness..actually for me I think they are the reason why should I still live in this world..
I'm a loyal,problem solver,always there to comfort,entertainer...Friend..And one of my bestfriends are my parents..they know lots of things bout' me..

and when I treat someone as my best pal they are the ones who really knows a lot about me... I don't keep secrets from them.. I'm really open to talk in any subject matter when it comes to my best pals..
hahah!!


Why do we need friends:
* So we will have a shoulder to cry on
* So we can have a person to share our problems, secrets, taught, and many more
* So we will have someone to cheer when they're down
* So I Can be complete.

Friends stay by your side and are loyal and truthful, she will keep the friendship alive. Friends don't also betray each other.

we need friends for inspiration, they are the people who will lend a helping hand...they listen to you when somethings made you sad.

what we could have been, 4:20 PM.

i hated her... she was such an embarrassment..

my mom ran a small shop at a flea market.

she collected little weeds and such to sell...

anything for the money we needed

she was such an embarressment.

there was this one day during elementary school..

it was field day, and my mom came.

i was so embarressed. how could she do this to me? i threw her a

hateful

look and ran out.

the next day at school...

"your mom only has one eye?!?!" ..and they taunted me.

i wished that my mom would just dissappear from this world so i said to

my

mom, "mom.. why dont you have the other eye?! if you're only gonna make

me

a laughingstock, why dont you just die?!!!" my mom did not respond.. i

guess i felt a little bad, but at the same time, it felt good to think

that i had said what i'd wanted to say all this time.. maybe it was

because my mom hadnt punished me, but i didnt think that i had hurt her

feelings very badly.

that night...

i woke up, and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

my mom was crying there, so quietly, as if she was afraid that she

might

wake me. i took a look at her, then turned away. because of the thing i



had said to her earlier, there was something pinching at me in the

corner

of my heart. even so, i hated my mother who was crying out of her one

eye.

so i told myself that i would grow up and become successful. cause i

hated

&! nbsp;my one-eyed mom and our desperate poverty..

then i studied real hard.

i left my mother and came to Seoul and studied, and got accepted in the



Seoul University with all the confidence i had.

then, i got married.

i bought a house of my own.

then i had kids, too..



now i'm living happily as a successful man.

i like it here because it's a place that doesnt remind me of my mom.

this happiness was getting bigger and bigger, when..

what?!



who's this?!



...it was my mother...



..still with her one eye.

it felt as if the whole sky was falling apart on me.

my little girl ran away, scared of my mom's eye.

and i asked her,



"who are you?!"



"i dont know you!!!" as if trying to make that real. i screamed at

her,"

how dare you come to my house and scare my daughter!"



"GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!"

and to this, my mother quietly answered, "oh, i'm so sorry. i may have

gotten the wrong address," and she dissappeared out of sight.



thank good ness... she doesnt recognize me..

i was quite relieved.



i told myself that i wasnt going to care, or think about this for the

rest

of my life. then a wave of relief came upon me...

one day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house. so,

lying

to my wife that i was going on a business trip, i went. after the

reunion,

i went down to the old shack, that i used to call a house...just out of



curiosity



there, i found my mother fallen on the cold ground.

but i did not shed a single tear.

she had a piece of paper in her hand.... it was a letter to me.

my son...



i think my life has been long enough now..

and... i wont visit Seoul anymore...



but would it be too much to ask if i wanted you to come visit me once

in a

while? i miss you so much.. and i was so glad when i heard you were

coming

for the reunion. but i decided not to go to the school. ...for you...

and

i'm sorry that i only have one eye, and i was an embarressment for you.



you see, when you were very little, you got into an accident, and lost

your eye. as a mom, i couldnt stand watching you having to grow up with



only one eye... so i gave you mine... i was so proud of my son that was



seeing a whole new world for me, in my place, with that eye. i was

never

upset at you for anything you did.. the couple times that you were

angry

with me,.. i thought to myself, 'it's because he loves me..'

my son... oh, my son...



i dont want you to cry for me, because of my death.



please dont cry...

my son, i love you so much

what we could have been, 4:19 PM.

Amazing.............acknowledge them
Believable..........trust them
Childlike............allow them
Divine.................honor them
Energetic..........nourish them
Fallible...............embrace them
Gifts..................treasure them
Here now..........be with them
Innocent...........delight with them
Joyful................appreciate them
Kindhearted.....learn from them
Loveable............cherish them
Magical..............fly with them
Noble.................esteem them
Open minded....respect them
Precious............value them
Questioners.......encourage them
Resourceful.......support them
Spontaneous.....enjoy them
Talented............believe in them
Unique...............affirm them
Vulnerable.........protect them
Whole................recognize them
Xtraspecial.........celebrate with them
Yearning.............notice them
Zany...................laugh with them

what we could have been, 4:18 PM.

If you want to make your day bright and
meaningful, recite the following positive statements:


I will greet this day with love in my heart.


I will persist until I succeed.


I am nature’s greatest miracle.


I will live this day as if it is my last.


Today, I will be master of my emotions.


I will laugh at the world.


Today, I will multiply my value a hundredfold.

what we could have been, 4:17 PM.

Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful

footsteps to our family. Our original intent of having Mother enjoy some

quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as

destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too

late.



Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking

Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years

with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother

endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him,

see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a

great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby

to where he is today.



I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a

balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant some

greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up

and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he

said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to

test on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any

moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument

and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his

head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted

to this kind of panic-joy feeling.



Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For

example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she

could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young

people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat

the flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our

mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and

hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get

use to it."



Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever I

came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her

and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I

come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item

how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even

more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You

little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would

solve it." There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.



Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast.

In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the

breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds

before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use

her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest. As I

am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and is exhausted from a long

day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional

few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to

all the protest mother makes.



From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon

her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all

kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on,

and that resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she

would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so

as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash they again. One day,

late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she

slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was

placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that

entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but

he totally ignored me. I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared

at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't

possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?"



After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to

me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the

house.



During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to

please. In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast,

mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without

any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby

happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for

having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing

breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to

work.



That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is

it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you

chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in

tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby

sighed:



"LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no

choice but to return to the breakfast table.



The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a

sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up

my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I couldn't. I threw

down the bowl and rushed into the washroom and vomited everything out.

Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very

loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway

staring at me with fire burning in his eyes. I opened my mouth but no

words came out of it, I really didn't mean it.



We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then

stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final

stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs.



For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was

so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting

up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having

the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled

with all the events happening at home, I was at the low point in my

life. Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible, you should go

and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant. Now it became clear

to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated

through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had

been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the

reason that day?



At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only

been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave,

but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called

out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended

that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut

right through my heart.



I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that

moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby:

"Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me round in circles

of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears

started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one

fight? Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the

disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket.



That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the

lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing



the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank

deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends

to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and

money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming

down again.



The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have

a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a

weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now

in the hospital." I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and

by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look

at me, his face was expressionless.



I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the

tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the funeral,



hubby did say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted

stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident

from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in

dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old

house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk

faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit

her...



I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up

that morning, if we had not quarreled, if...



In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.



Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong

liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self pity

and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we

are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in

his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I

had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding

though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.



Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby

came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were



living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the

dead knot in his heart.



One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass

window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very

lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that

moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby

and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him,

and there is no need to say anything.



The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby

stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me,

challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one

as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood

that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me.



That night, he did not come home, he had chosen to use that as a way to

indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other.

He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home

from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had

returned to take some of his stuff.



I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything

to him vanished.



I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again

and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the

physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider

aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not. I insisted on having to

this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.



One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The

whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there

was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even

looking at it.



In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find

peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait

a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just

like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot

cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come

out from there.



After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy.

I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pull e paper towards me.



Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed

the paper to him.



"LD, you are pregnant?"



Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could

not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said:

"Yes,



but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat,

facing each other.



Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart,

everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could

never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me,

I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In

the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I

will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scares in each other's

heart. For me, its unintentional; for him, totally intentional.



I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized

now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated. Other

than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart,

I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me,

I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the

moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished

from my heart.



Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks

in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in

mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of

groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I

ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with

him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time; I

cared for him and am concerned because there is love, but now, what is

there between us?



Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing all the way till baby was

born. Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant

products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and

bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying

to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no

choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on

his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing, but none of

that matters to me anymore.



It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one

late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came

rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had

been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs,

stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat

off my brown, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached

the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying

on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In

my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?



He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in, his warm eyes

caused me to managed a smile at him despite my contraction pain.



Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son, and me, his

eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his

hand.



Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor.

I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired

eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but

the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at

that moment.



Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it

was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to

last this long. I asked the doctor when did he first discover he had cancer?

Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his

funeral."



I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his

room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me.



Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I

had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote

for our son: "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a

look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your

life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I

can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But

daddy now no long has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the

possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your

lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's

suggestion... Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if

I have accompanied you through your life journey. To be honest, daddy is

very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who

loves you most and also the one who loves me most..."



From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work

and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was

written there.



Hubby has also written a letter for me:



"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain

I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I

want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby... My

dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would

smile, thank you for loving me... These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them

to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him

every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the

packaging..."



Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son

over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want

our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..."



He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in

his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the

button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang thought the air as tears

slowly rolled down my face...

what we could have been, 4:17 PM.

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour a day to drain the fluids from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. And every afternoon when the man in the bed next to the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed would live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the outside world. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake, the man had said. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Lovers walked arm in arm amid flowers of every color of the rainbow. Grand old trees graced the landscape, and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man could not hear the band, he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words. Unexpectedly, an alien thought entered his head: Why should hehave all the pleasure of seeing everything while I never get to see anything? It didn't seem fair. As the thought fermented, the man felt ashamed at first. But as the days passed and he missed seeing more sights, his envy eroded into resentment and soon turned him sour. He began to brood and found himself unable to sleep. He should be by that window - and that thought now controlled his life.

Late one night, as he lay staring at the ceiling, the man by the window began to cough. He was choking on the fluid in his lungs. The other man watched in the dimly lit room as the struggling man by the window groped for the button to call for help. Listening from across the room, he never moved, never pushed his own button which would have brought the nurse running. In less than five minutes, the coughing and choking stopped, along with the sound of breathing. Now, there was only silence--deathly silence.

The following morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths. When she found the lifeless body of the man by the window, she was saddened and called the hospital attendant to take it away--no words, no fuss. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look. Finally, he would have the joy of seeing it all himself. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall.

what we could have been, 4:16 PM.

Don't we all

I was parked in front of the mall wiping off my car. I had just come
from the car wash and was waiting for my wife to get out of work.
Coming my way from across the parking lot was what society would
consider a bum.
From the looks of him, he had no car, no home, no clean clothes, and no
money. There are times when you feel generous but there are other times
that you just don't want to be bothered. This was one of those "don't
want to be bothered times."
"I hope he doesn't ask me for any money," I thought.
He didn't.
He came and sat on the curb in front of the bus stop but he didn't look
like he could have enough money to even ride the bus.
After a few minutes he spoke.
"That's a very pretty car," he said.
He was ragged but he had an air of dignity around him. His scraggly
blond beard keep more than his face warm.
I said, "thanks," and continued wiping off my car.


He sat there quietly as I worked. The expected plea for money never
came.
As the silence between us widened something inside said, "ask him if
he needs any help." I was sure that he would say "yes" but I held true
to the inner voice.
"Do you need any help?" I asked.
He answered in three simple but profound words that I shall never forget.
We often look for wisdom in great men and women. We expect it from
those of higher learning and accomplishments.

I expected nothing but an
outstretched grimy hand. He spoke the three words that shook me.
"Don't we all?" he said.

I was feeling high and mighty, successful and important, above a bum
in the street, until those three words hit me like a twelve gauge
shotgun.
Don't we all?
I needed help. Maybe not for bus fare or a place to sleep, but I
needed help. I reached in my wallet and gave him not only enough for bus
fare, but enough to get a warm meal and shelter for the day. Those
three little words still ring true. No matter how much you have, no matter
how much you have accomplished, you need help too. No matter how little you
have, no matter how loaded you are with problems, even without money or
a place to sleep, you can give help.

Even if it's just a compliment, you can give that.
You never know when you may see someone that appears to have it all.
They are waiting on you to give them what they don't have. A different
perspective on life, a glimpse at something beautiful, a respite from
daily chaos, that only you through a torn world can see.
Maybe the man was just a homeless stranger wandering the streets. Maybe
he was more than that.

Maybe he was sent by a power that is great and
wise, to minister to a soul too comfortable in themselves.

Maybe God looked down, called an Angel, dressed him like a bum, then said, "go minister to that man cleaning the car, that man needs help."
Don't we all?

what we could have been, 4:15 PM.

“What would life be without teachers?” That is the question I always keep asking myself when I think of my favorite teacher. Sometimes, I imagine how my life would be if I had no teachers. I would not be what I am now.


I have many teachers that I like. They all teach me nicely and have made me what I am now and I’m very grateful for them. Yet, above all those teachers, I have one teacher that is so different from them. I just met her this year and so far she has become my favorite. I call her different because she has the characteristics so unique. She has the qualities that pupils really admire.


Her passion for her craft is beyond compare. She’s so energetic that despite the bulk of work and days of training she still manage to handle us, be with us and laugh with us. She is like a friend and mother not just to me, but to all my fellow writers. In our trainings, she gave us time to play and used to tell us jokes.


I had just transferred from other school this year. Without hesitation, she talked to me saying she wanted me to join the journalism training. I felt great then. I sensed that she believes in me. When she asked me to write short essay, I was surprised to hear from her “Ina, it’s good.“ “You can be a potential writer.


Want to join the Saturday trainings?” I was so happy that day, that it started the spark of my interest in journalism.


Since then, I always spent time with her. She makes me laugh a lot as she has sense of humor. I’m so comfortable when she is around. I never feel sad, in fact there is really no dull moment with her. She really makes our day (our training day especially) complete for she is not strict but you will be amazed- she disciplines us in her own unique way.


There are many things I and my other fellow writers have learned from her. She taught us how to write, (I learned how to write feature article, the category she assigned to me for the contest) to believe in ourselves, never think negative when it comes to contest, and most of all, she always reminds us to pray- to have our own devotional prayer, which we all believe is the greatest weapon we could have. Moreover, she teaches us positive values like behaving properly and doing good in our work. Hearing those words from her, I feel very happy and loved that I hope she will always be my teacher so that I can always be with her.


She is truly an ideal teacher to me and my fellow writers. A teacher who never get tired - training us, giving us advises and moral support. One can easily notice her, especially when we are in a contest…she is one of those teachers who are like mother to all the 14 young writers. She sees to it that each of us has the much needed confidence before we enter the contest room. She lets us feel that we are all ready to fight the big battle.


If she is important to us, much more, we are important to her. I can really say it, because there was a day, when she told us that we are her ‘precious jewels.’ I can feel the sincerity of her words, because we feel that we are her children every time we are with her.


When I won in the Regional Contest, I felt very happy. I know its God’s reward for all the hard works and efforts we exerted. Joining the NSPC means representing the school, the region …and oh! spending time again with my trainer. I know, she will train me again with all the enthusiasm and energy. I know, more than ever, she will be there always believing in my potential as a writer.


Truly, Chermed is an ideal teacher-trainer to me- to all of us, who, in our elementary life, had the opportunity to be under her care… yes… she’s not only a teacher – but a friend, confidant, counselor, mother, and a mentor… an extraordinary mentor to all of us.

what we could have been, 4:14 PM.

> > Girl: Hey
> >
> > Boy: What?
> >
> > Girl: I really like you. And I... I
> > think I'm falling in love with you.
> >
> > Boy: Ok...
> >
> > Girl: What do you mean by ok?
> >
> > Boy: I don't like you like that...
> >
> > Girl: Why not?
> >
> > Boy: I can't tell you... maybe
another
> > time...
> >
> > From then on, the girl kept asking
> > the boy "Why not?" whenever she saw
> > him,
> > and he kept answering the same
answer
> > of
> > "I'll tell you later."
> >
> > Finally the girl got fed up.
> >
> > Girl: I'm tired of this! Tell me
why
> > you don't like me!
> >
> > Boy: Do you really wanna know why?
> >
> > Girl: Yes!
> >
> > Boy: It's because you're uglier
than
> > ANYTHING!..What's the point of
going
> > out
> > with someone when they're not
pretty?!
> >
> > Girl: But... I...
> >
> > Boy: Just shut up and leave me
alone!
> >
> > The boy leaves and the girl sat
there
> > alone, crying her heart out. Then
her
> > cell phone rang.
> >
> > Girl: Hello?
> >
> > Mom: Sweetheart? I want you to go
home,
> > ok? I'll be home from work in a few
> > hours.
> >
> > Girl: Alright Mom.
> >
> > Mom: I love you.
> >
> > Girl: I love you too, Mom.
> >
> > Mom: Bye Bye.
> >
> > Girl: Bye
> >
> > The girl heads home and once she
got
> > there, she went straight in the
> > bathroom
> > and looked at herself in the
mirror.
> >
> > Girl: I'm not pretty enough...
> >
> > She set to work, knowing fully well
> > what she was going to do.
> >
> > 2 hours later, her Mom came home
and
> > heard the bath water running. She
went
> > upstairs to find the hallway
> > flooded..so
> > she knocked on the door.
> >
> > Mom: Honey? Are you alright?
> >
> > She opened the door and was shocked
> > at the site.
> > The bath was overflowing onto the
> > floor and the water was tinted
red. She
> > walked
> > over to see what was inside and
> > screamed. There, her little girl
was
> > lying with cuts all over her face
and
> > wrists.
> >
> > Her Mom backed away and was going
to
> > run
> > to call the police when something
> > caught
> > her eye...
> >
> > On the
> > mirror said.. am I pretty enough
now?
> >
> > No one deserves to be told that by
> > someone they love. If you find it
> > messed
> > up then tell everyone you know
how you appreciate them in their
> >own way
> >
> > A person's appearance doesn't
count.
> > What counts is their heart inside
of
> > them and
> > their personality.
> > No one wants to be told they're not
> > good enough...

what we could have been, 4:13 PM.

Brenda was almost halfway to the top of the tremendous granite cliff. She was standing on a ledge where she was taking a breather during this, her first rock climb. As she rested there, the safety rope snapped against her eye and knocked out her contact lens. "Great", she thought. "Here I am on a rock ledge, hundreds of feet from the bottom and hundreds of feet to the top of this cliff, and now my sight is blurry."

She looked and looked, hoping that somehow it had landed on the ledge. But it just wasn't there.

She felt the panic rising in her, so she began praying. She prayed for calm, and she prayed that she may find her contact lens.



When she got to the top, a friend examined her eye and her clothing for the lens, but it was not to be found. Although she was calm now that she was at the top, she was saddened because she could not clearly see across the range of mountains. She thought of the bible verse "The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth."

She thought, "Lord, You can see all these mountains. You know every stone and leaf, and You know exactly where my contact lens is. Please help me."




Later, when they had hiked down the trail to the bottom of the cliff they met another party of climbers just starting up the face of the cliff. One of them shouted out, "Hey, you guys! Anybody lose a contact lens?"



Well, that would be startling enough, but you know why the climber saw it? An ant was moving slowly across a twig on the face of the rock, carrying it!

The story doesn't end there. Brenda's father is a cartoonist. When she told him the incredible story of the ant, the prayer, and the contact lens, he drew a cartoon of an ant lugging that contact lens with the caption, "Lord, I don't know why You want me to carry this thing. I can't eat it, and it's awfully heavy. But if this is what You want me to do, I'll carry it for You."

I think it would do all of us some good to say, "God, I don't know why You want me to carry this load. I can see no good in it and it's awfully heavy. But, if You want me to carry it, I will."

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.



Yes, I do love GOD. He is my source of existence and my Savior. He keeps me functioning
each and every day Without Him, I am nothing, but with Him....I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me. (Phil. 4:13)

This is a simple test. If you love GOD and are not ashamed of all the marvelous things He has done for you, send this to ten people and the person who sent it to you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
"You Gave Me A Mountain"

what we could have been, 4:11 PM.

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon.

The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If God allowed us to go through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us.

We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly!

I asked for Strength.........
And God gave me Difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for Wisdom.........
And God gave me Problems to solve.

I asked for Prosperity.........
And God gave me Brain and Brawn to work.

I asked for Courage.........
And God gave me Danger to overcome.

I asked for Love.........
And God gave me Troubled people to help.

I asked for Favors.........
And God gave me Opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted ........
I received everything I needed!

what we could have been, 4:11 PM.

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others, including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all constructed boats and left. Except for Love.

Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to hold out until the last possible moment.

When the island had almost sunk, Love decided to ask for help.

Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said,
"Richness, can you take me with you?"
Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you."

Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel. "Vanity, please help me!"
"I can't help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered.

Sadness was close by so Love asked, "Sadness, let me go with you."
"Oh . . . Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"

Happiness passed by Love, too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her.

Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come, Love, I will take you." It was an elder. So blessed and overjoyed, Love even forgot to ask the elder where they were going. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went her own way. Realizing how much was owed the elder,

Love asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who Helped me?"
"It was Time," Knowledge answered.
"Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me?"
Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how valuable Love is."

what we could have been, 4:10 PM.

Different in many ways but connected

Different cities,different names
Different schools, friends, families
But similar in one thing
They're connected but still hidden

We develop a strong bond
Which we despise to sever
For that bond is friendship
That is truely valued

Problems,dillemas, drama
You can talk to them openly
ANd trust them with your secret
Hidden so deep inside your heart

They're like family to me
Even if personally I can't see them
But I know they are there
Hidden by their screen names

what we could have been, 4:09 PM.

Is It Just a Dream?


I want to let you know
That I love you so
You've been in my dreams
Where everything is as real as it seems

Ever since I met you
You've been in my head
With me listening to everything you said
I love you so much!

I dream of going dancing
With you in the moonlight
Twirl me all around
Under the stars

But may I ask
A question so deep
Yet it is simple
"Do you love me?"

what we could have been, 4:09 PM.

Profile

me:: Ina Gail ♥
age:: 16√
gender:: ♀ female.
locaxon:: •manila•
loves:: music=♪
I am worth $1,647,034

random facts

favorite movie:: Mulan (yea I know it's for children, haha!! i don't get tired watching it over and over again)
favortie singer/ band:: Avril Lavigne
favorite genre:: obviously.. rock. \m/
favorite color/s:: black,violet,green,blue :]
loves:: jackets, shoes, cool t-shirts, converse, vans, baggy shorts, nailpolish, kawaii stuffs, anything black..
hates:: copycats, backstabbers, liars


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a digital SLR camera
▪ the 18th birthday
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